Settling Down, Getting Married, Moving House…
Anything that causes change is stressful. The attitudes that people adopt to change can be categorised as resistors, hesitators, and eager adopters. Eager adopters appear to suffer the least amount of stress. This is due to the fact that the eager adopters are not worrying and resisting an inevitable change. It doesn’t matter whether the change is beneficial, it will still cause some stress.
At the top of the list of most common types of high level stress are changes such as marriage, bereavement, serious illness, moving house, job loss, marital breakdown, pregnancy/new babies. It is easy to understand why bereavement, serious illness, marital breakdown, and job loss are stressful because they are negative; but even positive changes like marriage, new babies, and moving house are stressful due to the degree of uncertainty and change that is involved. Worrying about situations whether they are real or not will cause stress. The key to coping with change is perception. Recognising our own boundaries, that is, knowing what we can change and what we cannot change will save us a lot of stress.
We are creatures of habit and when our routine is changed or altered some of us find it difficult to adapt to that change.
Take for instance the lifestyle change of moving in together or getting married; although for most this is a positive change it involves change of routine, change of control, change of environment and often change/addition of new friends and family and social events. Instead of just thinking and planning for yourself, you now need to be aware of your partner’s feelings, wants, and needs. Getting married brings more of the same with the added stress of planning a wedding. Even if you decide to elope there is obligatory organisation and planning. How you decide to perceive these changes directly effect your body’s response to the situation. That is, if you tell yourself that it is a change by choice and that you are happy and positive about it and most importantly that you are not losing control of things but instead changing the form of control, then it is unlikely that you will trigger the stress response and the transition will be smooth.
However, there are always those of us who find change difficult to adapt to; for both resistor and hesitator “types” there are classic stages to pass through before we get to a calm consolidation stage. The ability to recognise such stages helps to move through them quickly thus causing the least stress to the individual. Simply put, when you know what to expect it never seems that bad when it actually happens.
Whether the change is positive or negative the 4 stages involve:
- Shock or Fear: One experiences shock or fear at this initial stage if the change is a negative one or if the positive change is beyond your control. Feelings include helplessness, powerlessness, low morale, desire to resist change.
- Denial: A natural coping mechanism. This avoidance technique buys you time to process the information subconsciously. In time you will come to terms with the change.
- Anger/ Incompetence: Reluctant to adapt to change you may under-perform in different areas of life; the feelings of anger and frustration often lead to directing blame at other people rather than seeing the situation for what it is.
- Letting Go/ Moving On: You begin to come to terms with the changes and let go of the past and look forward to the new future. This stage brings positive feelings.
These stages can be experienced at differing levels. For instance, if it is the
Stress due to a positive change (marriage or new baby) you tend to move through the stages much faster and the anger seems more like frustration and the letting go/moving on is more like re-shaping and adapting.
Regardless of the change involved, everyone needs methods of coping.
Amongst the most popular coping skills are:
Coping Skills:
- Recognition: that change will occur; that you always have choices; that sometimes things are within your control and sometimes they are beyond your control; that lifecyles have many stages and you can enter a new phase with a positive or a negative attitude;
- Planning: Organise and Prioritise. Be clear about what needs to be done next and get on with it. Getting organised brings back positive feelings of control.
- Rational thinking: “What can I do about this..?” “Is this a real or a hypothetical case?” “Am I worrying about something that may never happen?”
- Expectations: Changes in environment, physiology, social events, personal perception.
- Positive Attitude: New self image, find the positive strengths and confidence in yourself.
- Daily exercise routine: practise physical and mental stress management exercises, just 20 minutes each day.
As with most stressful situations, the ability to visualise the process and the outcome gives gradual exposure to the event, so when it comes to the actual event, you will be less likely to find it stressful as you have already mentally experienced it.